NOTE TO SELF.

to not have the worst cramps i’ve had in forever and to not have to drive to jacksonville tonight in a snowstorm.

i would like to sit at home with my boyfriend upon his return from work, curl up in the fetal position, drink hot cocoa, and watch bad santa. 

christmas is overrated.

and had to go back through my email and change all my “tumblrs” to “tumblers” 

-_______-

at least that’s what i tell myself to feel better

fffloat:

really?! REALLY!? i was expecting a little more to it than that. i’m actually really disappointed, especially since this is the first season that i’ve watched as they came out. oh well.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT PERSON IN YOUR REPLY COLUMN. I looked away immediately but it wasn’t soon enough. Watching it tonight!!

*might be long

so, my “real life” friends know that i’ve been back and forth to 3 different doctors the last 5 years trying to figure out why i feel so crappy all the time. they all independently came to the conclusion it was anxiety, so i finally, after a long time, gave up on doctors and just chose to be self-educated and rise above it. i knew that i had anxiety, yes, but in the back of my mind, KNEW it couldn’t be causing so many effing symptoms (mostly: exhaustion, irritability, nausea, diarrhea, headaches, muscle pain and weakness, vomiting, insomnia, stomach cramps, mood swings…the list goes on and on!) i mean COME ON. and if it was all anxiety, just shoot me now!

so yeah. after my last doctor visit in like january of this year, i pretty much gave up and focused on just living with it, and conveniently my dad lost his job, so i lost my insurance and i couldn’t go anyway. long story short, august rolls around, and i randomly have this hideous bloating. i’m not talking like usual period bloating, i’m talking:

(NSFW) haha

yeahhhh. really attractive. not to mention, i gained 15 lbs over the course of like 3 months, and had to buy all new pants anyway. i tried to ignore it, thinking it would be a random passing thing, and finally came to the conclusion it wasn’t going away, but i only had it when i ate certain things. so, since october, i kept a log on this app i have of literally everything i ate everyday and how i felt/if it bloated me afterward. kind of extreme, but it led me to a conclusion that i’ve been trying to make for the last 5 years. and let me tell you, 5 years is a really long time to feel like crap. i have had many a night where i have cried and just wanted to be normal. i know that both rachel and johnny have been there for me when i never thought i would get better. and pretty much all my friends and have been mostly sympathetic when i felt like balls for seemingly no reason.

anyway, this is getting long. so, i’m talking to my friend lindsay at school, and doing tons of research online, and she tells me i sound exactly like her before she was diagnosed. lindsay has celiac disease, and i’d read about it some already so i was somewhat familar. basically, celiac is when your body is completely intolerant to gluten. it isn’t just a normal food allergy however, you’re born with it and it slowly creeps into your life, typically after something stress related or just as you get older. continuing to consume gluten actually damages the hairlike villi in your intestines that absorb vitamins, causing you to be tired and get sick a lot because your body isn’t getting enough nutrients. plus a bevy of digestive problems. it only gets worse as you get older. the only cure is to go on a completely gluten free diet, which isn’t easy, as gluten is found in all grains: ie, wheat, barley, oats, rye, and etc. sure enough, when i went through my app, i found that i got sick after eating products containing it. and little to my knowledge, america hearts putting wheat in EVERYTHING (not just the obvious things you’d think of—no more chick-fil-a for me :( ) but after sitting down and eating an entire 2x2x2 at ihop and instead of getting pancakes (crazy high in gluten) ordering bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns, and my stomach not making a SINGLE SOUND, not having to run to the bathroom afterwards, or wanting to fall asleep in my plate, i realized, it’s totally worth it!!

i won’t go on and on, because this is hella long and no one is reading by now, but it is absurd. i went gluten free a week and have never felt so much energy, sadly, i had given up on feeling normal again (*emo heart. haha) i can’t go completely GF just yet, because i have a blood test later this month at my doctor to confirm it, and lindsey told me not to get discouraged if they try to write it off as IBS, because that’s what they did to her. she went to a gastroenterologist which helped her on the right track and ordered tests to see how bad the damage was. luckily, your stomach heals so quickly (hence why i can’t go completely gf yet) and your body eventually becomes completely intolerant to it afterward, you can get incredibly sick from even one crouton touching your salad at a restaurant. you have to be careful, but to be honest, the diet is worth it to feel better again.

anyhoo, i know this is long, but it feels crazy that everything i have been feeling the last few years ended up being a food allergy. it was the last place doctors thought to look i guess, despite me telling them all my stomach problems as well, and how certain foods made me so tired i could pass out after eating them (which is a red flag for celiac) 2 doctors even tested me for diabetes seeing as both my parents and all my grandparents had it, but they all came back fine. anyway. keep me in your thoughts when i go the 28th, and wish me luck with all this!